I just moved two weeks ago. It was a stressful move and a heroic effort. My roommate and I moved two apartments worth of furniture in ten hours, and I was sore the next day, but otherwise the move went smoothly. I didn’t have a lot of furniture which helped, but this also meant that I needed to get what I didn’t have. For me this is an easy fix, go to the thrift shop. You can find some amazing pieces for super low prices, like the $560 cedar chest I got for $20. But knowing where to go, or even what to get isn’t so easy for most people. And I’m willing to bet it has something to do advertisers telling us what to buy because we aren’t taught how to cultivate our own style.
What do You Like?
Like I said above, the day before my move I went to the local thrift shops in and around my town to get a bargain while filling the gaps in my furniture needs. While I was shopping, I noticed that the majority of people populating the stores were like me. Down to earth, not boujee, the kind of people who you would probably see around a campfire, or kitchen table, enjoying the night and some good company. I’m guessing they’re not likely to second guess themselves about what their friends and family think of their fashion sense either. Knowing yourself affords you the luxury of shopping where you can find the things you know you’ll like and can afford, like thrift shops, not where your trendy friends and influencers think you should.
Shopping The Brand-Names
Before I was hitting the thrift shops, my fear of how I was seen by my friends, and just about every stranger I passed was considerable. It wasn’t overwhelming to the point of total social isolation, but I did feel anxiety about the assumed negative judgements from my peers.
This got me thinking, “why do I feel more comfortable shopping at thrift shops than in high-end department stores?” I think it has to do with knowing myself and what I like, and that I don’t buy into the pretense that I am superior to others for owning something, or relate to the smugness I see on the faces of the models.
I also don’t buy in because I realize that they need us to purchase their goods more than we need to buy them. My dad calls these ads “come ons“, and rightly so. I feel a little used and uncomfortable after seeing the looks on the models faces. They pretend to be more attractive than us, and living unobtainable lifestyles that I’m willing to bet most of us wouldn’t even want if we were more in touch with what we like. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Remember that when looking at ads.
Mine Doesn’t Stink
There’s a scene in The Family Guy that I think of when I see the above smug models. In the episode, Stuwie was potty training and Peter was looking for a book to help him. One of the suggestions he was looking at was, “Nobody Poops but You.” This strikes me as exceptionally funny, because I think that’s the intended message that people are trying to convey when they look at you smugly (like advertisements), for something everybody does, or for something you don’t have. Like farting and pooping or owning a $700 handbag. As though we’re above what we find repulsive or uncool, because we don’t do the repulsive thing, or are repulsive for not owning the expensive handbag. And for the record, if you don’t poop, then you should probably see a doctor (;
Image Obsession
Me and some of my best friends were image obsessed. We bought designer colognes (yes Obsession was one of them), shirts and sunglasses, trends we couldn’t afford to live lifestyles we were told we wanted. We thought that knowing and owning our unique style meant rejection and social isolation, so we emulated the lifestyles of the people we looked to that promised belonging, like pop music icons and the big names in fashion. But these lifestyles were way beyond our means, and we played golf, tennis and talked about skiing and boating to look as though we were living in a Vampire Weekend song. What’s so maddening about all of this is, that for me, this wasn’t even close to the lifestyle I wanted to live. I hate golf. So why’d I play along with the unfulfilling lifestyle that my friends were so eager to try to project? It had to do with not knowing myself or what I wanted. Sort of.
The Blind Leading the Fearful
What’s so insidious about not knowing yourself, and in my case, molding myself into the person my friends wanted me to be was twofold. First, they didn’t know what they wanted. They were emulating the lifestyles to the specs of designers like Tommy Hillfinger. Second, I lost touch with who I am in the name of comradery.
Truth is, we just didn’t feel likable. I’m not sure about my friends’ true feelings because we didn’t talk about them often, but we put a lot of emphasis on physical attraction and the social pressures to meet these impossible standards. Weight, mannerisms, and gender roles were the big ones we focused on, and we leveraged them to make eachother feel as though we weren’t worthy of being in the others presence. But not once did we ever gave a reason why. We just roundly rejected eachother.
I think we did this because we weren’t adding up to the other person’s impossible standards, and our own unobtainable ones, which were the same. We were rejected so often that we didn’t know how to gain favor, and our efforts didn’t matter anyways because they were never enough, and we didn’t like ourselves for it. So we kept raising the bar, hoping against hope to finally do enough to feel loveable, but also resentful for being rejected. And we didn’t like the people shopping at thrift stores because they were most likely more at peace with themselves, not chained to the pretense of an unobtainable lifestyle.
The Dangers of Following the Herd
I didn’t enjoy belittling people like the folks who shop at thrift stores, but I did it. And the rub is that they were buying the same brand names we were buying only for a fraction of the price. It was the brief moments of connection that came with us agreeing on our shared disapproval of another that I longed for. We thought we were ambassadors of the lifestyles in the ads that we were buying into, with the ability to deem others worthy of our approval. But we were still very much afraid of being rejected by, strangers, family member, small to medium sized mammals, my cat… But most importantly eachother.
So, how did I break free from my fear and own my true identity? It started by falling in love with a woman who I thought was perfect but who ended up being a female version of Jim Morrison. But it ended with me loving myself. This meant a lot of me time and some meditation.
Unearthing Your Authentic Self
I went through a series of difficult breakups which left me on my own for a while. I had support from family and a few friends, but I used that time to change my entire way of being a friend, son, brother, lover and uncle… to the people I’d known all my life. This meant I needed to get out of circulation for a while to evaluate what was and wasn’t working. I was also afraid of them rejecting or abusing me while I was most vulnerable like we had in the past, and I needed to protect myself. Also, everything I learned about being in relationships I learned from them. So it only made sense for me to be on my own to discover new ways of relating to them.
Learning, Listening & Relating to Your Body
I can’t express how important reconnecting with my body was after I had been dissociated from it and my emotions for as long as I was. I retreated to playing videogames and drinking, to avoid the pain and fear I felt from being rejected, left and abused by those I trusted and loved most, that I literally had know idea how I was feeling. I wasn’t even able to give my emotions names.
One of the violations of my trust was when my childhood best friend, who I loved dearly, was driving me home from a party with three other women. He was steering with his knee because he had a Jameson’s on the rocks in one hand and was doing a bump of coke with the other. We were all terrified, and when one of the women asked me if I shouldn’t be driving, all I could muster through the fear was, “I don’t have a license”. How we didn’t die I’ll never know, but I definitely lost my friend that night.
This is an extreme example of the lifestyles we thought we needed to project, like the ones touted by pop stars, but it also illustrates the lengths we’ll go to and situations we’ll put ourselves in, all in the name of feeling loved and accepted.
And because I was afraid of being abandoned, I was relying on those I looked to for direction, namely the women in my past relationships, to tell me how and who to be. I did this to feel safe by being “controlled” by them, and we both wanted this type of relationship because if they could “control” me and how I was feeling, ultimately who I was, then they felt secure in knowing that I wouldn’t leave them, and I felt secure knowing that they wouldn’t leave me because I was exactly what they wanted. But this master, servant relationship isn’t love.
Reconnecting with Who We Really Are
But in spite of trying to change who I was to suit these unhealthy relationships, deep down I knew what I liked. My true self was there, but I had trouble expressing it because I didn’t realize how fearful I was due to the number of people I lost that I loved. I thought I was unlovable because they lead me to believe I wasn’t cool enough to be around them not realizing that they were running from me because they were also afraid.
Meditate & Press Reset
Meditating allowed my true self to emerge, but if you don’t like the term, or associate it with a religious ethos you don’t subscribe to, think of it as learning how to listen to yourself like you would a good friend: with loving kindness and a soft attention. Because in the end we’re all looking to be happy. And through meditation, I was able to create the stable and safe place I needed and longed for, free from impossible standards, and it allowed me to listen inwardly and start over. Rebuilding myself and my relationships from the inside-out. Sounds good right? But how do we get started?
Starting a Meditation Practice: People often say that there’s no right way to meditate. I don’t like this advise because if you’re like me, you want something to go on. And saying there’s no right way to do it is like being told to build a house without specs.
So start by finding a quiet and calm place, and avoid multitasking or having anything going on in the background that will divide your attention, like having something in the oven. The goal is to relax your mind and notice what you’re feeling and thinking without judging the crap out of yourself or worrying about over cooking something.
When I first started, there were judgements aplenty. Thoughts came up that I knew I would never act on and were unsettling. The goal is not to not have them, but to let them come, acknowledge them, and the emotions that follow, don’t react to them, and then let them go.
Sit, Stand or Lay Down: And you can do this in whatever position feels right for you. When I first started meditating I chose a dark, quiet room where I could feel safe and cozy, and tune out the three roommates, one dog, a cat, and my girlfriend, who were all stuffed into a small, four bedroom, second floor apartment in the middle of a large city. It was actually pretty cozy considering the shear number of mammals I was surrounded by. Finding a quiet place was important for me to feel safe enough to relax, and allowed me to recognize the internal goings on and not be hyper vigilant about what was happening around me.
I got cozy by laying on top of a blanket, and some pillows I put on the floor. Cozy was important for me too because I was accustom to subjecting myself to punishing work, and then numbing my body with various modalities so I didn’t have to listen to or feel the pain, fear and abuse I was putting myself through. Aka, the legacy of my former attachment figures and ads, lifestyles I was trying to let go of. And being cozy isn’t gender specific, which was another lesson I had to unlearn.
If I asked the men in my family 20 years ago if they ever felt cozy, they would have probably downed a beer and do something painfully stupid to prove how “manly” we were. Like the time my cousin put a cigarette out on his hand. I was guilty of this machismo too, but also no bueno.
Timing: The time you choose will vary. Some like to sit for a half hour, others for a few moments, or maybe even a weekend retreat. I started with 15 minutes, and as my practice evolves I need less and less time to feel grounded. Some days I sat for 13-18 minutes, others 5-10. It really depends on the day I’m having and how I’m feeling. And it takes time to build up the discipline to come back to yourself on a daily basis, so don’t quit after a few failed attempts.
Pick a Time & Try to Stick to It: I like to sit in the evenings. After all my responsibilities are finished, or are waiting to be followed up with. I feel more relaxed knowing I’ve done as much as I’m able and willing to do for the day. I also love the cozy lighting I’ve curated in my apartment when the darkness comes. Not to mention the moon and stars : )🏔️🌙🕯️✨
Coming Home & Knowing Yourself
Once I was able to listen inwardly, knowing what I liked without the competing influences of popular culture, or like the lifestyles modeled for us in the vodka ads we were trying to live life like came easy.
The more you tune into your feelings, preferences and what you like, the better you’ll know yourself and who you are. You’ll be happier with your purchases, which will better reflect your personality, and you’ll probably save money. That’s not to say that you can’t buy the brand name bag. For the record, I like the Marc Jacobs “Tote” bag, and its simple design and utility. But I think it’s criminal that they’re able to charging $700 for it when a similar bag on ETSY cost $15. Another bonus of knowing what you like can save you about $685 on a handbag (; But if you love the $700 bag, buy it. But just make sure you’re staying true to yourself and what you like, not because you saw someone on the subway toting it and think you’ll be able to buy their friendship by owning it.
As for your home, when you’re surrounded by the things you love, you will feel more at home. Your space will be more a reflection of your personality, and not a monument to the designers who are telling you what to like. At the end of the day, you want to make sure you’re coming home to a place you feel at home in.
Trust Yourself
And most importantly, learn to trust yourself and what makes you happy, and use that as your guild. Then knowing what you like will come naturally, and you won’t have to rely on people like Marc Jacobs, who are trying to sell you a lifestyle that may or may not suit you. Because chances are they don’t know who they are either, and they’re trying to sell you their image of who they think you should be, to control you so they can feel loved and accepted by controlling people’s opinions about them. Trust yourself, that’s the best way to know who you are and what you like : )
Peace & thanks for reading – 🏔️🌙
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