Building a Firepit, Building Relationships: Getting Cozying by the Fire

The older I get the more I realize that I enjoy the cozy things more and more. There’s a line in a Jay-Z song that sums up how I feel, “I don’t want much, I drove every car. Some nice cooked food, some nice clean drawahs”. And I think, for me, there’s not much cozier than sitting around a fire, in clean drawahs (;

Stories by the Fire

I think the good times are due to sharing our experiences and recognizing our own stories in those we keep closest. I know I feel a deeper connection, just hearing one of my friends tell me how they’ve come to the same conclusion about a similar circumstance. And we feel closer when we tell these stories around a fire. But if cozy feels so good, why do so many of us fight it? I think it’s because we’re focusing on what divisive instead of what brings us together.

Divisive Stories

I think too often that when people think of supporting a friend, they think of validating the crap out of eachother. This is how it was in my family anyways, and something I’ve noticed in the work place as well. Something would happen, they’d take it personally, with indignance, and would tear the other person apart while whomever they were talking to would validate and join in. This made the other person out to be a monster. No bueno.

But nothing got solved, and everybody just felt worse afterwards. And if you were around them regularly, as I was, you were one more person that made their list of thing to do that day. I.e. somebody you had to avoid, or dread being around, all because you took what they said or did personally. Also no bueno.

Unifying Stories

For me, support looks something like what I heard Tara Brach, Ph.D say, a psychologist whose teachings blends Western psychology with Eastern spirituality. She says that it’s “survival or the nurtured, not survival of the fittest.”

Tara suggests that violence and unattuned care takers are what severs our connections, trust and belonging with one another. So instead of supporting our loved ones by rancorously attacking one another, I think it’s essential to support eachother with, as Tara says, a kind attention.

This way we can focus on healing the wounds inflicted by eachother, and the pain they cause which is a constant reminder of how we’ve been done wrong. Because we’re only hurting ourselves by holding on so vehemently to the slights of others, and the pain they caused us. Letting go of the anger, hurt and indignation, and focusing on how we can support those we love by attuning to and caring for their needs with a kind attention, is what will ultimately lead us to connection, and also stop the cycle of severed belonging. So with that in mind, let’s take a look at how we can build better relationships by building a cozy fire to gather round.

Building the Pit

Putting together the fire pit is surprisingly simple. All you need is space enough for the fire and a few, simple materials. In MA the regulation is 25′ away from structures such as a house or shed. Make sure there’s a garden hose close by in case the fire gets out of hand, and your ring can be no larger than 3′ in diameter. The building materials for the pit are a fire ring, stone, or something that can withstand the heat, and tall enough to contain the fire. Ours is about a foot and a half tall and made from curved concrete blocks. Below I’ll go over the steps to bring your firepit into fruition.

Constructing the Pit

Step One – Find a suitable area on your property for your pit. You don’t want to build a fire directly next to your house obviously, or anything flammable. Ideally it will be free from bushes and trees and 25 feet away from any structures. Check with your local DPW to find out what the specs in your town before you build. You can usually find the DPW’s information on your town’s website.

Step Two – Creating the pit. Fire pits, in parts of MA, can only be about 3′ feet in diameter. You can measure 3′ by taking a stake and a piece of twine or rope that’s a foot and a half long, and tie the twine around a stake. Drive the stake into the middle of the space where you want your fire pit to be, and extend the twine as far is it will stretch. Then walk around your space in a circle, marking off the perimeter at the end of the twine with some lime or spray paint, or use a gardening tool such as a hand trowel or edger to score the surface of the turf.

Step Three – Using a spade, remove the sod inside the circle to a depth of about 4″. Dig a deeper hole, a half foot wide by a half foot deep, in the center of the pit. This will allow for air to flow through and under the coal bed.

Step Five – Place the material you’re using for the boarder of your pit on the sod that is encircling the hole you just dug so that the inside wall lines up with the edge of the sod you removed to make the circle.

Step Six – After you install the ring, it’s time to put a layer of stone or gravel on the bottom of the pit. This is to allow some airflow under the coals that fuel the fire, and the half foot hole you dug in step three is for drainage. We used bluestone for this, but you can also use lava rocks or fire glass. There are loads of options, and you can usually get them from your local building supply store. And that’s it. Your fire pit is complete and ready for use. But there are a few more things to consider.

Firewood

Your choice of wood will mainly depend on the type of experience you’re after. And luckily it literally grows on trees so there shouldn’t be an issue finding some. Let’s take a look at some of the options, and this isn’t a comprehensive list. Contact your local agricultural store for more info.

Kiln Dried

There are two options you can go with when choosing firewood, other than the wood type. The first is kiln dried, which means that the wood is stacked in a kiln, then dried at about 170°. Kiln dried wood burns hotter, with less smoke and has that crackling sound that is so relaxing to listen to. It has to be covered during storage to protect it from the elements, but you can use a tarp as a cheap and effective method to keep your wood dry.

Kiln dried wood is a little more expensive, but if you’re buying it in small quantities like we do, this may be the better option. For one night’s burn I think I only used 8 or 9 sticks, about one tenth of the 20ish cubic square feet of wood we get. For context, 20 cubic feet is about enough to fill the back of a compact hatchback 1/3 full and cost us around $70.

Seasoned

Seasoned firewood is wood that has been dried over time naturally. This takes about three years and is left uncovered during the curing process. The wood has a higher moister content which may effect the burn time, and releases more smoke and creosote while burning. But this type is also cheaper than kiln dried. So if you’re buying in bulk this may be the better option. And if you’re burning the wood outside in your fire pit, creosote buildup won’t be a problem.

Getting Cozy

Now that you have the firepit built, it’s time to settle in for a cozy evening, and surround yourself with good friends, memories, stories and snacks. Because that’s what it’s really all about. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting around the fire in solitude, enjoying one of the most basic pleasures of life solo. But there’s something undeniably inviting about being around a fire with friends, and creating new memories. Like a warm and supportive embrace. So what are the elements that make for a cozy evening? Here are some things I’ve found to bring me more peace and ease.

The Elements of Cozy

Warm & Cozy

I was taught in my youth that there was nothing less manly than being cozy. This is ludicrous. Incase no one told you, as a man, you can get cozy. I like to have throw blankets around, because even when you’re around a fire, it doesn’t mean you will be completely toasty. Especially during the crisp New England weather we have.

Sweaters and wool socks are essentials as well. Not only are they warm, but they are soft, upping the cozy factor. I usually go to the thrift store for sweaters. You can get some unique finds as well as good deals, and you’d be surprised what people throw away. As for socks, I usually buy new. I feel a little funny about sharing sox and underwear with strangers : )

Snacks

Snacks are essential, and a personal element of cozy for me. I like having the foods I love around me to satiation and satisfy. For instance, I love sweets. This usually takes the form of sweetened iced tea with lemon, chocolate with fruit and nuts, or mint, and some sort of dried or fresh fruit. Lately I’ve been liking cherries and strawberries. All you need to do is ask yourself, “what would make me feel most satisfied right now”, and you’ll most likely have the answer. It may not be so clear for some. I know I was used to doing and eating what everybody else decided on. But keep asking yourself, and wait patiently for a response, and eventually you’ll hear and know what feels right for you : )

And of course, since we’re around a fire, s’mores are essential. This one is pretty straight forward, but if this is your first foray into the world of making s’mores, I’ve got you covered.

Graham Crackers: Let’s start with the base, graham crackers. There are specialty grahams that are crispy, like hardened caramel and are super decadent. But I like to keep it simple with plain old graham crackers, like from when we were kids (only not soggy from spilled apple juice).

Chocolate: Most people go for your standard milk chocolate bar due to their shape. Half a bar fits neatly on half a graham cracker. But most recently I got dark chocolate for a less sweet alternative. The pieces are smaller so you’re not consuming half a bar every s’more. But they’re still satisfying.

Marshmallows: The toasty cornerstone to any s’more. This sugary treat only gets better when melty on the inside with a crispy shell. But if you’re vegetarian like I am, don’t neglect to look for the vegan options. Most marshmallows are made from gelatin, which is derived from animal bones and skin. There is also a healthy market of artisan marshmallows available, too. So literally go with your gut on this one.

Softly Lit & Clean

Finally, comfortable lighting and a clutter free space helps to relax and unclutter the mind. The fire does a great job of throwing ambient light, but adding a few candles and some carefully curated lights will add to the ambiance.

I like these globe lights and copper wire LEDs draped over a natural element, like a piece of driftwood as shown below. It helps to backlight your space without the harsh light from flashlights or some other overhead light source. This helps you see your snacks without feeling blinded when you look away from the fire.

Gathering Around the Fire

There’s something primal and cozy about being around a fire. Huddling around the warmth and light while the darkness surrounds you and your stories. Kind of like it’s you and your friends against everything that could harm you outside of your small circle of light, and all you have is one another.

Taking care of eachother by listening to the grievances and disappointments, but also the wins and accomplishments, too. Knowing that you can rely on your friends for support and they you, feels comforting. Which is the first step to feeling cozy. Add some snacks and blankets to the equation and that’s about as cozy as it gets.

So friends, get to building that most basic element of connection. And if you have any fur babies, they’re also a much welcome addition to any cozy evening. And in my book, the fluffier the better : )

Peace & thanks for reading 🏔️🌙