Feeling at Home in Our Relationships

A lot has happened in the last two months. I switched careers and found a job, moved into a new apartment while I was unemployed with a person I’ve only known for three months, and all without any money in my emergency fund. I’ve also been cleaning non-stop. At both my apartment and work, and finding time for yoga and some much needed rest as well. While I was wrapping up my last yoga session in savasana I was thinking how vulnerable we all were on our mats. Me being the only man in a room full of women, I was concerned with how they felt. People often go to yoga to get in touch with their bodies, and women especially, have been abused at the hands of men. I was wondering how safe they felt with me just being in the room.

Luckily I’ve already made friends with the people I go to class with. And laying there prone, thinking about how the women in our class may feel more comfortable in their day-to-day knowing that there are men who are kind and don’t fit the gender straight jackets we’ve been assigned, made me feel better. As though I’m doing my part, however small, just by being friendly at yoga.

And knowing that just being kind can help to breakdown the walls to connection, and heal old wounds is comforting. I’m not sure exactly the experiences of the women in my class, but I think I may feel at home with them because I’m able to admit that I’ve also been abused much in the ways that I’ve heard my women friends tell me they have.

I think we all have. But men have a hard go of admitting they’ve been abused because they’re supposed to be able to take it, AKA not feel it and be strong. And I’d like to say that men don’t have it harder than women. I’m not trying to make surviving abuse a contest. There’s a line in the movie “Platoon” that sums up the soldier mentality of how men are supposed to be able to take the abuse, “’cause a grunt (soldier)⁕ can take it, can take anything.” This sentiment is what the men in American culture are trained to embody and be proud of, and is still alive and well. I think I have some insights as to way this may be.

The Manly Men & Feminine Women Trap

A Man’s Man

I’ve had a rough upbring. I know I’m not alone, but I also know that most of us don’t talk about it. From the perspective of being a cis male, I was raised to be abusive. I was abused, physically and psychologically, living in terror for a good portion of my childhood. I was told that as a man, I could handle the abuse by virtue of my gender. But this was really a way to normalize the abuse I was taking from my family, who were grasping at whatever power they could. To feel in control while steeped in their chaotic and abusive worlds.

Not to mention the sexualization and objectification of women for how “attractive” they are to a standard not our own, by both the men and women in my family. We were too afraid to embrace our true wants and desires in what’s appealing to us in a partner, and we stifled our true selves for fear of being ridiculed and rejected by eachother and popular culture. This was how we normalized the abusive “rights of manhood”.

Feminine Women

And women don’t have it any easier. I don’t know for sure how women feel on the subject, and I’m not assuming I’m able to speak for women’s experiences. I’m only drawing on what I’ve gleaned from growing up around three aunts, four sisters, a grandmother who was a model in her youth before turning housewife, and a family that was run by women. I was def the minority, and the women ruled the roost subversively. Mostly through manipulation because the men needed someone to run our lives for us. Only we were too ashamed to admit it. Because part of the “rights of manhood” decree that men are in charge and women are to be taken care of by their man.

And what I’ve also noticed is that women are not only judged for their appearance by men, but also other women and themselves. The end goal for looking attractive seems to be to feel secure. Secure because they have to be attractive to find and keep a “good” husband, and to feel accepted by their peers, friends and cohort. And I imagine for their livelihood as well. They also have to run their households while taking care of the children and their partners. Too much, too much.

The Myth of Gender Stereotypes

And in both cases, we often assign these restrictive stereotypes to ourselves. Fooling ourselves into thinking that these standards are what we really want. And we live our lives according to the rules that we were abused into following. This usually results in stifling our true selves. Likes, dislikes, how we feel about ourselves and others. What we wear and where we go to have fun. And what we’re truly happy being, doing, and what we’re looking for in a friendship or partner.

This practice of denying our true selves, I think, leads to us feeling ashamed of who we want to be and are, if only it were accepted culturally. It stops us from truly connecting with others, and in some cases, stops us from engaging entirely. So from my perspective, if we’re all abused, mostly in the same ways, how do we feel confident and safe enough to take the risk to be who we really are? It takes a strong will to be authentically you, but this is something you can learn how to do.

Cultivating a Strong Will

I was lucky in a way. In my youth I was too afraid to interact with most people, and I was drawn to those who were on the fringe. What can I say, I like the weirdos. Mostly because I am one. But my friends and I were already bucking the norm. We had nothing to lose in being authentic us, so we just ran with it.

From what I’ve experienced, most people get initiated and abused into stereotypes from an early age. So we think our safety lay in fitting in with popular culture. Doing what we’re told, to feel belonging by the people who look the most successful or competent. But these standards aren’t a one-size fits all. And what we don’t realize and aren’t told is, that the people who look the most competent are just as frightened as the rest of us. My friend group and I were just lucky enough to know this, and we did what came natural, fear be damned. Sure we made some questionable choices, but we were in charge of our own lives and happy. We had agency.

Strength is Derived from a Fearless Heart

But being in the fear also makes us feel like we don’t have control. For me, a wave of fear would come and I would be paralyzed, unable to see a way out of the feeling, then I would panic. But slowly I learned to recognize that I was terrified, and I could control myself and my actions while afraid. But staying with the fear is easier said than done. So where do we start to build the traits that help us cultivate the strength and courage to stay? To resist and master the fear? For me, it started with meditation and a clean house.

Declutter Your Space, Declutter Your Mind

I had to do chores when I was young. Every Saturday my sister and I would clean the entire house. We got an allowance, two dollars and fifty cents I think, but we had a good work ethic from an early age because of it. I hated them then, but what kid doesn’t hate cleaning? Looking back I appreciate it. Having a good work ethic is important when it comes to accomplishing your dreams and goals. But if you’re disorganized, the harder you work the more confusing tasks become.

How a Cluttered Work Space Effects Your Ability to Collaborate

One of my former roles was as a social worker for a human services organization. They were pretty large, and there were people there doing good work. But there were definitely issues with moral.

Most of the employees were burnt out, and I can def understand why. I was literally stepping over people passed out in pools of their own vomit, with syringes sticking out of various body parts. But instead of relying on eachother for support, we were fighting amongst ourselves.

The program director had so much work to do that her desk was literally piled a foot high with papers and folders. All askew with multiple screens and windows open on her desktop. I offered to take some of the tasks off of her plate many time, but she was so enraptured in her work that she was unable to step back and find tasks to delegate to me. I told them I’d be their secretary/project manager, but they fought it every time I brought it up. Laughing it off as though it were a joke.

How to Declutter Your Mind

I eventually got fired from that role. They told me I should have been busier than I was and were angry with me for offering to help. In their eyes this was evident by me having so much free time that I was offering to pitch in elsewhere. But instead of them accepting my help, they chose to avoid me. Because it meant looking at the messes they’ve made, and I’m guessing the shame of them not feeling as though they’re working hard enough. I think the idea of them not doing enough and feeling out of control because of it frightened them. So how do we start to clean up our messes? Ask for help.

Step One: Admit You Can’t & Don’t Have to Do it Alone

This is where I think the people in the above company got hung up. I know that when I was confronted with any type of help, regardless of how benign or humble the offer, I bristled against it. Because we as men were told we had to be right and in charge, doing everything on our own.

And we verbally abused eachother with our sharp togues to avoid connection, and to take vengeance on one another for past hurts. Because connecting and asking for help was seen as a weakness which was preyed upon. We told ourselves the justification for abusing eachother was that by being abusive, we were in the right because we were more powerful. Which we thought meant we were safe from the others abuse, and they were wrong in their abusing us. In our eyes, this made us superior. Might equals right?

But this was really our way of self preserving. Protecting ourselves from the others wrath by being vengefully hurtful, and justification for our actions. We were created a cycle where we first felt ashamed and stupid after being abused, and then superior to the ones we abused, after we returned fire. We thought we wouldn’t feel the shame from their abuse by retaliating and giving it back. We were passing the hurt and shame back and forth like a hot potato.

Of course this was all a sham. We desperately needed the help, but we knew that accepting help meant accepting defeat. And we would have to endure the abuse that came with acceptance. This is/was unhealthy, and if no one’s told you, it’s not a sign of weakness to accept help. So to stop this cycle, I found people who would help me, only sans the abuse.

Step Two: Accept the Help

After I found friends who were not only supportive by way of not verbally abusing me, (their out there, you just need to look) but also willing to help. I had to deprogram myself. Divest myself of my previous ways of being in relationship. This took time.

Time, patience and a whole lot of faith. Faith that your friends really want to help and not at some hidden price. And in my family, the cost was usually dignity and self esteem. Having faith is where the healing can start, and true friendships are forged.

Step Three: Working Together

After not being able to rely on anyone for help, as was the case for me, any help feels like a God sent. Something so simple as helping to clean the house or share a meal is a relief. But it also meant checking my togue.

I’ve noticed that in general, when people say they are fluent in sarcasm, it usually means that they are trying to normalize abusive comments. We were sarcastic in my family, and our sarcasm was delivered in a condescending tone. This is a good way to wear down a persons self-esteem and dignity, and make them doubt their own self worth.

Now that I’m with kind friends, I have to watch what I say because my goal now is to bond and work together amicably, not establish dominance by tearing the other person down. This took a great strength of will and practice. What helped me were compliments.

Step Four: Pay the Compliment

An old girlfriend of mine told me once that she always pays the compliment. I didn’t understand this at first, but the more I interact with people as an adult, I understand that people don’t want to, or are too scared to connect. I’m not sure the reason, but being kind and paying the compliment is something that is feared by most people. Making eye contact with a stranger is difficult enough, and accepting a compliment can be even more awkward. But when we receive compliments from people we know, we feel good. So why hold back? I think it’s a matter of repetition. The more we hear them from strangers, we can normalize it like the abuse we’ve normalized. That would be a trend worth following 🙂

Cleaning Up

Next week I’ll talk about some of my habits for keeping a clean and well ordered home and work space. Cause work is really just an extension of our homes. Also what to do if the people you live with aren’t as motivated as you in keeping your space in order. Peace, and thanks for reading ( ;🏔️🌙

⁕My addition