I’ve started buying myself flowers, like the title suggests. I never used to like flowers, or so I thought. But this Spring, for whatever reason, I thought it’d be a good idea to get cut flowers for the apartment. So I went to my local florist, picked out some daffodils, brought them home and placed them in a mason jar on my coffee table. They looked good, smelled even better, but it did feel a little strange. I thought about it some, and have come to a few conclusions I’d like to share with you about what it means to let yourself be who you are. Let’s take a look at why, and deconstruct some limiting beliefs while discovering what we really like/are like along the way.
How I Became the Man of the House
There are a few reasons why I felt a twinge of discomfort buying flowers for myself. The first was that I was taught that flowers are feminine and something you buy for your woman. Because apparently only women and children were afforded the luxury of indulging in pretty, or delicate things.
In the family I knew in my youth, if you were a man, and you appreciated something pretty, it had better have been a woman you were objectifying. And you were most likely drinking whiskey while you were doing it. And I followed suit. For a while anyways, because I was inducted into “manhood” after my parents divorced and told that I was now “the man of the house”.
A Trite Definition: Ruling the Roost
This was confusing to my eight-year old self. In my mind, mom and dad were my world, my protectors. Comfort when I was scared, guardians of my wellbeing, providers… I relied on them for everything, because I was eight. But now I was the man of my house? Responsible for myself, AND my family? This was a lot of undue pressure. But I took it on because that’s what my family told me to do. And I loved my family. But needless to say I had no idea what I was doing.
What made this extra confusing was that all the lessons up until that point from my male role models were that women were sex objects, and to be enjoyed and taken care of like a tool. Which means the nature of my relationship to my family’s female population had now changed.
Societal Expectations, Too Scared to Go It Alone
But asides from being sexualized from a very young age, I’ve also come to realize that nobody else in my family knew what they were doing either. What’s more disturbing is that my situation was only a microcosm of society’s at large. Apparently, no one knows what they’re doing. So they follow trends to feel belonging, choose lifestyles and careers that aren’t fulfilling, all in the name of feeling successful, belong, wanted… You fill in the blank.
Or worst yet, stripping others of their dignity as a way to feel a sense of being an undisputed source of authority. But most people, I believe, are lacking their core sense of self. So they play there part as was told and sold them, or what truly makes them happy like I was.
Many of the jobs I’ve worked were filled with people, good people mind you, that complained endlessly about their situations. Counting down the days until their next reprieve in the form of a vacation, or some party or gathering, to feel validation for the lives they’re leading. Some temporary suspension of their otherwise bland exitance. This is no way to live, and as Rumi says, “Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. The entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you.”
The Door to Your Sanctuary
From my experience, validation comes from inside. It feels good to have external validation, and since most people are extroverted, this makes sense. But, and I’m not saying that this is in all cases, when you seek external validation, it is all too easy to take something designed to aide you in your decision making process, i.e. external validation, as marching orders.
I think a lot of people have a difficult time taking the reigns of their lives and just running with it. Hence the trends we follow and the legacies of our broken social structures. So if most of what we know or see advertised isn’t truly what makes us happy, how do we find the door to our sanctuary? I think flowers may be a good start.
Finding the Key
When looking for what makes you happy you will most likely need to look outside of where you usually go to find direction. This may make you feel like an outsider. And that’s a good thing because it means you’re finding your own path, your own core self. But it also means that you may find that you have less to talk about with your friends and coworkers. And it’s doubly pointed because if you ask someone to talk about what they truly like, from my experience, they act indignant at the mere mention that the popular trend they say they like isn’t the authoritative pinnacle of their lives, and good taste at large. No Bueno. So let’s look at some places where we may find some of our personality laying in wait to spring forth like early blooming daffodils.
Practical Steps to Feeling More You
1, What Don’t You Like & Why? We all have things we just can’t stand. Some tangible, like that one piece of furniture that was handed down to us, or the things we bury in the closet because they’re “too expensive” to throw away. Some are intangible like the way one of your friends what’s four days to text you back. But take a look at your prejudice and try to think if it reminds you of something. Maybe from the past.
For me, I never liked mayonnaise and apples. I thought they were disgusting and never questioned why. Then I decided to try them again and it all came flooding back to me, housed in a lunchbox. When I was in elementary school, my mother would pack tuna fish sandwiches and red delicious apples for me. But by the time lunch rolled around my sandwich was warm and apple bruised. Warm mayo? No thank you. Now I love them and it feels like being reacquainted with an old friend.
2. Getting to the Root of Thing: First, find a place that feels comfortable to you. An intimate place, a place where you can retreat to and feel grounded. Look around you and find what bring you comfort. Are there things there that you’ve had for a long time? Is there a theme with the items you’ve collected? If you’re completely surrounded by trendy items, is there a memory you associate with those items? Or the act of getting involved with the trend itself?
For me, I have a lot of hippy like things surrounding me. This comes from the 90’s, when the Grateful Dead were resurfacing in pop-culture. I watched movies like “The Doors” and “Dazed and Confused”, studying Val Kilmer’s Jim and Mathew McConaughey’s character, in order to be them, embody cool. I’ve since dropped the unhealthy lifestyles, but the art, color, culture, love of nature and a peaceful easy feelings all stayed.
3. Pick Out Some Things: Now that you’ve explored some of your patterns and habits, focus in on a few items that feel most cozy. Feel most like you. What are their elements, the ones that bring you the feeling of ease, excitement, joy…? Whatever you are feeling that is pleasant, study that and look for patterns or connections.
For me, it’s color and cloth. When I was young, my mother sewed a lot of clothing, a habit I later picked up. I made some comically large hippy pants in high school that were trendy, and wore them for weeks at a time. Also the color of tie dye and Tibetan Prayer Flags remind me of the Free Tibet movement in the 90’s and my early childhood when people still wore corduroy and natural fibers. These are the feelings that arise when I surround myself with these items. Cultivating my own culture.
Your Core Self
For me, writing helps to draw out these feelings and memories. But find what best suits your needs and matches your personality and style. And above all, be honest with yourself. This is why I suggest you do these practices alone. All too often we feel the pull of wanting to feel secure at the alter of our sacrificed selves. Doing these exercises along will help free you from the expectations of others, and break the validation cycle.
I hope you’ve found this useful, and know that it will get uncomfortable sometimes. But like an old friend used to say, “the way out is always through“, and don’t worry, “every little thing is gonna be alright“. Peace & thanks for reading 🏔️🌙🕯️
Image Credits: “Prague flower shop” by jafsegal (Thanks for the 4,5 million views) is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
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