Instead of Googling, “How Do I Block Someone?” How About, “How Do I Strengthen My Friendships & Set Boundaries?”

I want to start this article by saying that I don’t use socials very often. I use insta and FB mostly, and usually only to check-up on a few friends and post photos of food I make or graffiti I find around the greater Boston area. That being said I know what it feels like to be “blocked” by people. It sucks. And I used to be the one blocking folks. But I’ve since changed my blocking ways. Let me explain what I mean with a few life experiences to illustrate. Hope you’re a phan of jam bands 🐠

Deadheads & Phish Phans: Hippies Aren’t All Peace & Love

I’ve been into Jam bands since my high school days. I’m not sure why, but I love when a song goes on for 15-25 minutes. Weaving in and out of a tune you know and love, and the jazzy improvisational riffs they come up with. I stopped listening to jam bands for a while, about 15 to 20 years, but have recently gotten back in the groove. I think a lot of why I abandoned my love of music had to do with the people I was surrounding myself with.

When I was a teenager I got into The Dead and Phish mostly due to the bright colors, positive messages and unique sound of their music. I was also attracted to their clothing and aesthetic. Everything about the culture put the hook in me, and I had been captured and drawn into its embrace from the young age of seven or eight. But as I grew older I discovered that just like any other culture, not all hippies are harbingers of peace, love and understanding.

Peace, Love & Petty… (Not Tom)?

Some of the people I met were downright mean. I was also arrogant and petty in my youth, so I most likely was attracting the same crowd. But when I used to think “hippy” it conjured images of friendly folk dressed in corduroy and tie-dye, sharing food and singing songs in a communal setting. This album cover of The Allman Brothers Band’s, “Brothers & Sisters” sums up what I thought all hippy culture felt like. So, what does this have to do with blocking folks on socials?

You Can’t Judge an Album by It’s Cover, Or Group by Their Image

What I’ve come to realize is that you can’t boil an entire group of people, or culture, down to its most popular attribute. Just because hippies are associated with peace, doesn’t mean they are all peace and love. And that goes for all social groups because we’re human.

We all have our own biases, our own set of experiences and points of view that have shaped our opinions. And no one group is any different than any other when it comes to managing friendships. This is good news because it means that you don’t have to change who you are, or your identity to find, and stay connected with the people who you identify with most.

Finding the Peace & Love

Just because some hippies are petty, doesn’t mean the culture is void of love. One of the more popular ways we connect is through our love of music. This is no surprise, but what I discovered about the community that WAS a pleasant surprise was how they relate to it through trading.

Fun fact: The dead used to let people plug into their PA systems and record their shows. The amount of performances that are now available online is impressive. This led to an entire community based around trading tapes of their favorite shows, shows they missed, or just to collect. I don’t know of any other community that does this, and I love the communal spirit behind this practice.

Phish also has a website dedicated to archiving and sharing their shows, keeping with the spirit and legacy of the Dead’s community. Since there’s so much overlap with Phish’s and the Dead’s fan base it comes as no surprise. But sharing their music opens a way to connect that is based in something we love. It’s easy to reminisce about past shows, favorite song versions/eras, future plans for shows… Connecting over a mutual culture is effortless. But what about those who are into something completely different? Let me tell you what I do, tips that help me to find the tape trading element outside my love of jam bands.

Finding the Common Ground

There’s a line from a Jay-Z song that helps me when entering an entirely new culture, “I’m like a dog, I don’t speak but I understand.” He also claims to be, “rap’s Grateful Dead”, (which may be a bit of a stretch), but what I like about the first lyric is that he’s talking about listening instead of waiting for his turn to talk. Or thinking about what he’s going to say next. He may also be talking about assessing drug dealers’ intentions, but I think it translates well to other relationships as well, less the immanent danger.

Listening, the Other Half of the Conversation

I think showing genuine interest in what the other person is saying when you’re talking is difficult when you think you know what they’re going to say. This is even more prevalent when you’ve already profiled a person by the group or culture they associate themselves with, which makes sense because you think you already know how “those people” act. And this mindset is the ideal place for racism to breed. We also lock ourselves into what Tara Brach calls, “limiting beliefs”, and “unreal othering“. I think this is especially true when you’re talking with family.

Limiting Beliefs & Unreal Othering Family

I don’t know if this is true for you, but my family are the ones who know me the best, and are able to dig into those places that hurt the most. This is probably because they have loose boundaries around me. So if you have a history with family members that is less than supportive, it’s easy to put those that have/are hurting you in the “unreal other” category.

We don’t recognize how they are part of the group of people who we can interact with, set boundaries with, and build a relationship with individually, and they instead become “those who’ve hurt me”. And we want to distance ourselves as far from them as possible. And I’m not saying that all relationships are salvageable. Or that you should stick out the abuse in hopes that the person will change. It’s important to remove yourself from abusive situations, no matter how close you are with them. But if you’re able, and have the support, it’s worth taking a look at these relationships to see if there is anything that can be salvaged, or if you have to start over.

Unblocking Your Friends by Friending Your Fears

When it comes to relationships, what I’ve found that helps keep them strong and supportive is, taking the time to reach out consistently, keep it light and positive unless circumstances dictate otherwise, and focus on the individual you are relating to, not the groups you associate with. It isn’t always easy, and it is definitely Ok to take the space you need if you become overwhelmed, or end unhealthy relationships. But they will be stronger for it in the end.

So friends, I hope this has helped you to navigate your relationships with some more ease. Try to let go the “Blocking” mentality and focus on how you can build your relationships using boundaries, a positive outlook, and work on them one at a time. Because life is better with supportive friends and family. But we need to create the relationships that we want and need. So good luck, peace, & thanks for reading :)🏔🌙🕯