Hello again friends. I want to talk about something I’m not very good at. Dating and intimate relationships. Like so many others, I was sexualized at an early age. It all started with Kathy Ireland, my first sexual infatuation and society’s obsession with sex in general. So in an attempt to change my mindset, I’ve decided that I’m going to start taking myself out on dates.
This is not a new notion to be sure. But it’s something I’ve never done and I imagine would be beneficial for my mental and emotional health. Plus I like fun. I don’t hear about it very often or know anyone who’s done or doing this. I have a few ideas as to why this is and I have a few suggestions to help change our perspective about intimacy, but more importantly ideas to treat yourself.
“Let’s Talk About SEX Baby”
Asides from this being a catchy tune by “Salt ‘N Pepa” from the early 90’s, it’s also spot on. For a lot of people, and I’m not saying everybody, dating is more about finding someone to make them feel good in a superficial way. Either to validate each other, commiserating about some awful experience, or maybe just looking for a sensual evening with an attractive mate. This type of pleasure seeking is more like drinking or doing drugs than it is about bonding.
Think about where people go looking for a partner. If you find yourself in a crowded and noisy bar, then chances are you’re intension isn’t to have an intimate conversation. Or to leave with someone to share stories with, take a long walk to get to know one another and to see if you’re compatible. It’s probably more about how much fun you can have. Sex, drugs or drinking, maybe all three if we’re being honest. I know that’s what I was looking for. And these relationships usually last very long. And you get burned in the end. So what does this have to do with dating yourself? Let’s take a look at how we see ourselves first, before we go checking out other people.
What’s Your Agenda?
I think the main benefit is that you are redefining what a date looks like without the pretense of sex. If you weren’t drinking or looking for a one night stand, would your choice of venue change? Would you still go to the same packed bars where you most likely have no idea what anyone is saying? Or would you choose a place more comfortable? Somewhere less kinetic with a low key and ambient hum of activity in the background. Where you can relax and enjoy getting to know yourself, and what you like. What is your goal when you have no agenda or expectations?
You Getting to Know You
I think choosing somewhere calming and turning your attention inward will lead to the beginning of befriending yourself. With each date you’re essentially learning how to listen and be with you. You’re developing the patience to give yourself your undivided attention. Two underrated and often overlooked skills, listening and patience, that are essential to strengthening the foundation of any relationship. And as Wittman put it, by “doting on yourself” you’re making your friendships and romantic relationship stronger. So, how do you date yourself?
Date Night Ideas
This all depends on what you like. But if you’re learning what you like without influencers or celebrities telling you how to be or what to do, here are some ideas I’m thinking about doing and have done and that worked for me.
What are Your Dinner Plans? Indulging in the foods you love from time to time is important. Food is such an elemental part of our lives that depriving ourselves of our favorites is an unnecessary punishment. For a longtime I didn’t really know the foods I liked or how to cook. This was because my parents weren’t home to teach me how.
So I would go to whichever restaurant was trendy or close, which usually meant expensive and part of the reason I was in $126K of debt. I’d eat rich and fatty foods, too, like take-out Chinese, roast beef, three-way with extra sauce (a New England delicacy), with deep fried onion rings, New England style, not those doughy abominations.
But when I started to plan my meals and cook for myself, my relationship to food changed. Started by going to new restaurants and cooking different recipes from my usual go-tos, and I discovered the foods I loved in the process. Like this black bean burger made with cacao and sweet potato fries.
Letting Your Hair Down, If It’s Long: Something I started doing when I was staying at my dad’s was to take a bath once a week. Late in the evening, on one of my days off, when the house was quiet and the rooms were bathed in the ambient light from the moon and stars, which I could see glowing through the window, I’d grab a few snacks, pour a large glass of iced tea, fill my clawfoot tub, and soak for about a half hour.
Luckily I’m an introvert. This means I enjoy spending time on my own more than most others. But spending time with myself wasn’t something I was used to. I didn’t even know how to relax, let alone explore my wants and needs. But I found that the more I did things for myself, like drawing a bath, the more I could feel comfortable and relax.
Getting Social: I know I said to date yourself, but I also think it may be a good idea to go out with a friend and try to build a relationship around shared interests and an interest in their personality, instead of shallow past times like trying to have sex with someone or/while getting drunk.
I’m going to try and befriend a woman who I can practice getting to know so when I do find a woman as a romantic interest, I will have some experience in how to interact with a woman that isn’t solely about physical attraction.
Making Plans: I also used to let my partner make all the the plans while we were together. I basically needed someone to run my life for me. So I want to ask friends to go places with me, and I’ll make plans to do those things. This helps me understand what I like to do as well as execute those plans. I really want to take a long train ride someplace. Maybe Chi City since it’s a three day ride and I hear that long train rides are like giant slumber parties. Sounds fun, I’m in.
I Had a Good Time Tonight. Let’s Do This Again.
Unlike most dates you know you’re going home with yourself at the end of the night, which makes it a good opportunity to focus on how you feel, as opposed to what you want from the other person. Take some time to sit and reflect on how much fun you had, or didn’t have. Where you went and if you’d go back. Maybe light a candle and listen to music. Just relax and, as Tara Brach would say, turn a state, into a trait.
So friends, if you’re feeling a little off in your relationship, or maybe you’re looking to find out who you really are, why not try taking yourself somewhere different than what you’re used to. See how it feels, and then once you get the hang of it, bring it to your relationship game. You can do this even if you’re currently with a partner too (dating yourself, not someone else which could be considered an emotional affair, trust me, I know XD). Then, maybe you can rekindle the romance if it’s dimmed a bit : ) Peace, & thanks for reading 🏔️🌙🕯️
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