I want to talk about something that’s real close in. Judging the crap out of yourself and over achieving to meet someone’s impossibly high standards. I think this is a difficult topic for a few reasons: One, because having a high standard and hard work ethic are rewarded in our society. And two, having both of these traits is what we’re told to aspire to. And for good reason. It brings our goals to fruition. But there are a few of us who just don’t know when enough is enough.

For example, one of my co-workers is a charge nurse from the Philippines who used to be a rice farmer. He told me while we were talking one day that an average day at work for him was hauling a 150 pound bag of rice through rice paddies, while killing poisonous snakes along the way. Too much, too much.

And though I’ve never killed a poisonous snake, I have worked back to back 16 hour days, so I consider myself an over achiever. And though mine and my co-worker’s may not be the case for many, I think the topic of this article is something most of us can relate to. So come, follow me as I show you the places where I stash my dirty laundry, or where it would be if those places weren’t cleaner than most of the other areas of my life.

The Judgement

One morning I was cleaning my kitchen as I was gathering my thoughts on what to do with the day. And when I clean my kitchen, I go hard. While I was rounding hour one of my “quick” kitchen clean, I was still thinking about the ways I could be productive later in the day. I was taught like so many others that my self-worth is tied directly to how productive I am. The more I accomplish, the better I think I’ll feel. I think I’ll feel better because I’ll achieve satisfaction with a job well done. But I seldom feel satisfied because I rarely meet my unreasonably high standard. And when I do, I feel ill at ease. My expectations of myself are… Well unhealthy at best.

What makes this so difficult is that I don’t fully recognize how hard I’m pushing myself, especially when I’m in the moment. I’m getting better at managing it, but what matrix am I using that my standard is as high as it is? That’s what I want to explore because I think there’s a lot to it. Let’s start with what shaped most of my standards, role models.

How Many People Raised You?

If no matter what you do isn’t good enough for your role models, then I think many of us choose to dig in and try harder by looking to those who have successfully achieved goals we aspire to, or who our role models revere. Our goals are usually shaped by their standards and expectations, and this is a normal. But my focus was on gaining acceptance from my role models by chasing their unachievable standard. Like the lyric in 2-Pac’s song “Baby Don’t Cry”, “He in love with the struggle”. Which I definitely was. Because the goal was definite; do more, work harder. What I was working to achieve was clear, acceptance. But how it would feel once I was accepted, or what acceptance even looked like was never modeled. So I looked for others who were in the same maze as I but achieved acceptance, to hopeful find some direction.

Searching for Someone to Lead the Way

Role models are usually associated with our parents or some other cultural pilar of morality with exceptionally desirable traits. But if your initial role models’ expectations are unquenchable, as mine were, what then? I think we go searching for others who resemble our role models in that they are successful in the ways that we are trying to achieve acceptance. So who were your role models? Mine were a variety of pop-culture icons. Let’s start with who I thought others wanted me to be that I learned on one car ride to the mall.

The Irish

My parents had a difficult divorce and hated one another for a period. My dad loved the fifties, and The Doors came on the classic rock station we were listening to while going to the mall one day. I made fun of them thinking I would garner some favor because they sounded to me like something my dad would listen to, but I was screamed at instead. Then and there a core memory was born: Jim Morrison was better liked in my family than I was. So I studied Jim, emulated him, all to win my family’s approval. And we all know how Jim’s story ends.

Luckily I didn’t go too far down that path. Though I did hurt a lot of people along the way which I’m sorry for. But my other role models were better in almost every regard.

The Captain

The Benign Father

The Simpson was on five times a day when I was 13-16 years old. To say I was raised by Marge and Homer Simpson isn’t too far from the truth. They were more present than my actual family, and aside from them being hilarious, they were also imperfect. Something my family had zero tolerance for. Most of my sense of humor comes from them too. Check out this clip for an example of Homer at his best.

Constant Critical Judgements from Your Role Models Leads to Self Destructive Patterns

An extreme example of being made to feel your worst is, on a non-descript day in the summer of my 14th year, I was being screamed at by my mother and her husband at the time for doing something that was most likely a minor infraction. I remember standing in the corner of the kitchen, back against the wall and feeling more afraid than I ever had. I felt so threatened that I reached for the closest thing to defend myself with which was a steak knife. I saw the panic in their eyes and immediately threw the knife on the ground and ran out the back door where my step father tackled me. I said, “does tackle young boys excite you?”. This took every bit of courage I had. I was trying to take back some power from feeling helpless, and being maliciously screamed at and tackled by your parents is terrifying. His reply was vulgar, but this was the reality of my childhood.

Thankfully the above wasn’t the norm for most. But even though all of my fictional role models had their foibels, they taught me that it was Ok to make mistakes and not be abused for it. They also stuck together no matter how weird things got (except Jim, things got real weird for him). They embodied many of the traits that my family was lacking including not terrifyingly abusing each other.

Because from my experience judgement leads to resentment which erodes trust. Not only trust in each other but also for ourselves. It’s hard to care about someone you hate who’s throwing shade left and right, including yourself. But the root of our judgements came from trying to divert attention from ourselves and our pain while simultaneously acting superior to trying to one-up the other so that they had nothing to criticize us for. Put another way, we were getting revenge for being attacked by tearing each other apart and trying to be perfect to avoid their attacks. No bueno. So it was really a defense mechanism to keep ourselves safe in the prison of our family who were also our jailors.

And after a while, you start to believe the judgements made about you. We felt terrible about ourselves and thought that the others were not only right, but also our superior. I’ve witnessed this with lots of families, but it seems to happen more frequently in bars and pop culture. Google “fashion models” and take a look at their facial expressions. They all look like they hate you. I don’t feel inadequate looking at them now, but it took a great strength of will and years of avoiding ads to overcome their sirens’ stare. Or think about the drama that happens on a typical night out at the bar. So, how do we break free the hypnotic cycles of judgements?

Clean Up Your Contacts & Find a Hobby

I think the people you surround yourself with set the tone for how you feel about yourself. It tracks since we’re shaped by the people who raised us and we tend to gravitate towards the people who remind us of what feels familiar. I.e. those you think are superior because you’ve been torn down so often that you feel terrible about yourself. So my solution was to stop talking to those people that make me feel bad about myself which included most of my family.

Take a look at your text-messages. Who are the top ten you text the most and think about what you do when you’re together. How do you feel while you’re hanging out? After you’ve hung out? Do you feel like you belong because someone else doesn’t? They’re all asses and you and your friends band together to hate everyone not in your circle because you feel like everyone is attacking you? If that’s the case then maybe it’s time to take a break. You may need to vent once and a while, but it doesn’t have to feel like a battle.

Severe All Communications

Ok, maybe not all, but try staying in for a few weekends. I know a lot of people have fomo, but give it a try. Buy a sixpack, your favorite snacks and binge watch your favorite show instead of going to the bar. I’ve been watching Fixer Upper if you’re looking for a rec. You’ll save some money and probably feel better about yourself by avoiding the drama you’d be involved in while out with friends. And maybe you’ll get some design inspo.

Start a Hobby

If you want to take it to the next level find something that excites your interest. I’ve picked up a bunch of hobbies since I stopped going to the bars and decided to chose carefully the people I want to surround myself with. And bonus, my like minded friends are really fun, with their own interests and hobbies that they want to share. Here are some of my suggestions:

Cheese making. I love cheese and the idea of perfecting something over a long period of time is appealing to me. Bread baking or brewing could be fun as well if you don’t like cheese.

Blog or Podcast. Your reading this so you know my experience, but a co-worker of mine started a podcast earlier this year called “High Functioning, Slightly Faded” that is hilarious. Head over to my Sites & Finds page to give her a listen.

Critical Thinking, Not Judging

This may seem simple, and that’s because it is. It’ll probably take a bit to get used to, feeling comfortable with the void of not having to do anything to achieve feeling acceptance. Or making someone the enemy to create tighter bonds. But it takes less effort than constantly judging yo’self and it’ll get easier the more you do it.

Plus, if you pick up a hobby, or just get used to feeling better about yourself, you’ll want to share that with others. And I’ve found that building others up and supporting them is the way to do that. You’ll not only feel better about yourself, but you’ll also have a talent to share if you’ve picked up a hobby. For example I’ve been perfecting my red sauce game and have been sharing it with friends to get feedback and help them out a little.

So friends, if you’ve had enough of the drama, the cycle of hating your friends and the emotional/alcohol induced hangovers, try loving on yourself a little more and critically examine your thoughts, actions and people you surround yourself with. You may find that peaceful, easy feelings are found in the void of cutting judgements. Peace & thanks for reading 🏔️🌙