My dishwasher recently sprang a leak. It wasn’t too bad, it could have been much worse. But the end result was that water made its way through the floor and into our basement. Aside from it making the kitchen smell terrible, it brought back memories of living at my father’s house that had a similar issue.
Flood Waters Run Deep
There’s an underground river that runs through my father’s backyard, and every time there was a large storm surge, like a nor’ Eastern, the river made its way to the surface, flooding the yard and basement. There was a mix of sea water, raw sewage, stormwater drainage… It was terrible. But this is what I think of when I see water in a house where it’s not supposed to be.
Right away, I messaged the upstairs neighbor because he owned the unit above us and I had a conversation with my landlord who said he’d stop by around 5:30 that night when he got out of work. This was an issue that I thought the landlord would want to take care of right away and I wasn’t expecting much pushback. I assumed he would think it in his best interests to take care of any potential long-term damage right away.
When he arrived, my roommate and I explained the situation, showed him where the water had leaked through the floor into the basement, and was ready to discuss the next steps to resolve the issue. We were wrapping up the discussion and I thought we’d be able to move on to catching up, small talk and then getting on with our evenings. This however was not the case.
Politing You’re Way Out of a Situation
While we were wrapping up I was picking up on strange patterns in our conversation. He’s a good guy, polite and responsive, but when I asked him about the plan to follow up with a professional inspection to make sure there wasn’t any damage or mold growing inside the walls that would attract pests or cause health problems, he started getting wiggly.
When I asked about contacting a plumber to come to the apartment so we could coordinate a time to meet, he started speaking in circles. He said he would often get free assessments from various companies and then do the work himself. He even suggested that we call the companies ourselves to give us an appraisal. But the tone of his voice was polite, one that implied conceit. He told us simultaneously that he would call a plumber, but was not going to call the plumber.
Aside from this being just plain deceitful, his delivery is something I’ve started calling “politing your way out of a situation”. This happens when you’re talking to someone who won’t be direct in answering a question or get to the point. They don’t express either their needs or wants. And the conversation trails off with nothing being resolved but a lot being said. Bottom line, it feels like you’re being manipulated. This is something that I know well from the family I was raised in. the deceptive tools we used that we thought got our needs met was frustrating to say the least.
Direct, not Intense
Thanks to my former ways that resembled my landlord’s end of our conversation, I’m hyper aware of slight changes in conversational tones. What’s being said as opposed to what I believe is trying to be conveyed. I’m not proud of my old ways, but it’s blessed me with the ability to sus out someone’s true intentions. Or at least get pretty close to the mark. My goal now is to be as clear as possible. Direct but kind in conversation, and I expect the same from others.
But I’ve also been told that my personality is intense. I think this is because I’ve experienced so much verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from the mouths of my family that I scrutinize every word spoken, and the intentions behind their meanings. Something most people thankfully don’t need to do. But I can see how it is unsettling for others to be on the receiving end of being listened to with such scrutiny. So I’ve learned to be more amicable in conversation while still being direct. Well, I’m getting better at it anyways (:
Finding New Ways of Relating & Softening, But First, Boundaries
When I was younger, late teens to early 20’s, I was brash in just about all aspects of my relationships. But with my family subscribing to the traditional misogynistic gender rolls of the 1950’s, and Jim Morrison being the rebellious mentor of my youth, I didn’t know what a healthy relationship even looked like let alone how to be a part of one. So I started by looking for role models that didn’t drink themselves to death (smart, right:). Or use intimidation to get their needs met like the action heroes of the 80’s.
Clear Boundaries
Somehow I found Tara Brach, Buddhist psychologist and her hundreds of hours of Dharma talks and meditations. I was learning to manage my emotions after years of neglect and realized that I was wrestling with my family’s legacy of toxic masculinity. What I learned was that I think when people said I was being “intense”, they actually meant intimidating. Only I didn’t see it thanks to my lack of boundaries and being raised to believe that when I bullied somebody’s emotions, that was normal. Because I was taught that that’s just what men do. As my friend Melba would say, “Is no bueno”. But that wasn’t the only barrier I faced.
The Cold Hard Facts
Also thanks to my upbringing, I was taught to leave all emotion out of conversation. My method of communicating was to get directly to the point, cut out everything that “does not matter”, aka other people’s perspectives and feelings, and solve the issue at hand. But what I learned more recently is that not everything has a solution.
Sometimes people just want to be validated. But this was also another sticking point because when the groups of people I surrounded myself with validated each other’s emotions, there was also a healthy dose of malice involved. So, I stuck to the facts and was direct as possible to wrap things up as quickly as possible and to let people know I was in charge, hence the bullying. So now that I recognized my communication style, I needed to find ways to soften. This, unfortunately, is a process of trial and error. Let’s go back to the dishwasher.
Hard Water? No Problem, Just Use the Gentle Cycle
The last meeting with my landlord did not go so well. He was eager to come by and take photos of the pipes to make sure there wasn’t any corrosion. I assumed that he had alternative motives for being so motivated to resolve the issue due to our last encounter. But in my defense we had been asking him to take care of various other issues in the apartment for months without response or resolution. So it was hard for me to trust that his intentions were genuine this time.
So when we met I was carrying my past experiences and expectations with me. Logical, yes. But I also murdered some opportunity. I was bullish and we parted ways both feeling unheard and egos bruised. And if things weren’t already bad with me feeling unstable with my living situation, he also brought his child with him. So not only did I feel terrible about dragging my roommate in-tow, I was also now worried that I emotionally scarred his child for life. No bueno.
Knowing When & How to apologize
While I was sorting through what happened and recognizing what was said, I realized I was doing something that is not intuitive for me. I was not only looking at the situation from my landlord’s perspective, but I was also giving him the benefit of the doubt. Beyond my expectations and judgements. This may seem like a no-brainer, but if you’re use to thinking things through with a super high executive function and logic, there is only one answer, the right one. Usually mine. Ok, who are we kidding, it was always mine (; Also trouble.
Knowing what I know now, I went looking for some new role models, and luckily I found ones better than Morrison. One being my roommate who has the uncanny ability to see other’s actions in a positive light, AND from their point of view. Weird, right? So here are some things I’m doing/learning to do now to help keep me from steamrolling over other people’s emotions.
Listen:
This may seem like trite advice but again, this is a matter of perspective. I thought I was listening before. But what I was really doing was formulating a response and not taking into account the other persons perspective. Because in my mind there is only one answer as I said above, the right one. And I was searching for how I could make them see what I see, what the “right” solution is. This is arrogant.
Listening without ulterior motives allows me to recognize the other persons intensions and perspective, and then learn their process so we can communicate more effectively. Aka, building a relationship using solid communication skills.
Compromise:
Another detriment to thinking there is only one perspective is that I often think there is only one solution. This is also shortsighted. One of my talents is that I’m quick to find a solution. But that solution often doesn’t involve other people’s ideas and perspectives. So slowing down and listening helps broaden my understand and learn something new. For someone who thinks they’re always right, feeling like you are learning something can be a difficult pill to swallow.
Take a Breathe & Some Time:
It doesn’t have to be solved right away. For someone like me who sees things as problems to be solved, open ended conversations are difficult. This is because I think there’s a solution and I want everybody to get on board in solving the problem my way, now. But after I have time to reflect, like after the conversation with my landlord, I’m able to see new aspects of the conversation.
Like how he was showing me that he wanted to follow through with his word. All I saw was another failed attempt to solve the problem and not his intention to extend the olive branch and work on our relationship. And what really made me feel bad was that he was probably bringing his son to teach him something about responsibility. If I stewed in my own anger I never would have seen his side of the conversation. So slow down, take a breathe, and see what comes up. It may be a change of perspective.
And Practice, it Ain’t Easy:
This isn’t a skill you develop overnight. Like Tara Brach says
in many of her talks, “it’s not a one shot”. You will be uncomfortable, and have uncomfortable conversations. But just keep trying and be kind to others. And don’t forget to lavish yourself with kindness too.
All that to say that being direct is important. We need to get to the point and not talk in circles about how each other feels, especially if it’s to somebodies detriment. But we also need to acknowledge the person behind the problem, not the person as the problem. And if you are used to handling things the way I used to, know that you are not alone. So be direct, but also empathetic to the other person in the conversation. Because what we’re ultimately trying to do is come together to make something better for one another. And if we’re throwing jabs at each other instead of communicating openly, then we’re getting further away from our intentions. So take a breathe, slow down, and listen up. It gets easier the more you practice. Peace & thanks for reading 🏔️🌙
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