Extenuating Circumstances
I was on my way to an appointment in Reading today. And I was mad. The appointment in question was with the ADA to determine whether or not I have a disability. I have epilepsy, which is what I was going to be assessed for. For most people this appointment would be a minor inconvenience. It’s a 40 minute drive one way from where I live, and it was at 1:00 so not a lot of traffic. But for someone with epilepsy who relies on public transportation, this trip takes 2 1/2 hours, one way, which means it takes the entire day to go to a 30 minute appointment. But since I’ve been dealing with this for the past twelvish years I’ve made my peace with it.
When you rely on public transportation you also have to factor in things like delays while enroute, or missing your train or bus entirely because they were early. Sometimes they don’t show up at all. This may seem like a minor inconvenience comparable to bad traffic, because you could just catch the next bus or train. But often times, especially during off peak hours and weekends, you have to wait 40-90 minutes for your next connection. Or your connections are five minutes apart and any delay, which happens often, means you will wait that 40-90 minutes for the next one. And before they had apps telling you where your bus or train is, or when the next one would arrive, you wouldn’t know if it had come at all. And sometimes the app is wrong or not working and you have no idea where your bus/train is. You’d miss it and wait. Wondering if it was late or you should find an alternative route. Not to mention you will most likely arrive anywhere from 30-50 minutes early because the transit schedules aren’t on your schedule. All of those scenarios don’t happen all in one trip, often, but I’d say that many happen 85% of the time. If you add everything that could possibly go wrong to my 2 1/2 hour trip, I could have driven to Montréal, one way. If I could drive that is.
While I was on the train heading for North Station, I received a surprise call from a cab company telling me they’d be at my house to pick me up for my appointment. As you can probably imagine I was upset. I told them I was on the train and wouldn’t need a ride. After I hung up, I had just enough time to worry about making my connection with the 11:50 train leaving North Station to Haverhill, as the train I was on would be pulling into North Station with a scheduled six minutes to spare, when the conductors announced that there was a train just ahead and in front of us, stopped at the station due to some altercation where the police were involved. Now I was definitely going to miss my connection.
I pulled out my phone, found an alternative route, and looked for the number to call the doctor to tell them I would be late. I did not have the providers phone number in my contacts but I did have the address. I googled the doctor’s office, found their number and gave them a call. I was determined to make this appointment. I was skeptical about the number, as google said it was to a plastic surgeon’s office, but I trusted my former self in writing the correct address down and hoped for the best.
When the woman answered I couldn’t understand what she said. Still upset, and assuming I had the correct number, I asked about my appointment. When I get mad I don’t take it out on other people. Rather I hold my tongue and stick to the facts. No emotion is better than being abused in my mind. The woman sounded confused and a little irritated, but ultimately knew nothing about my appointment. I asked if she knew if there was another office in the building that may be whom I’m looking for. She said she was unaware of any such practice so I hung up curtly without saying goodbye. Then I made the same call to three or four more organizations, tracking down my care provider with the same short tone until I called the cab company that was going to take me to my appointment.
They were very helpful, and eventually connected me with the person who schedules the appointments, who confirmed that the office was at the address I had originally written down. Still upset, we rescheduled for the following Monday at the same time, and directly after we cemented the time to meet I hung up on them.
I felt a bit bad and I recognize I was being curt. But I was also given the wrong time by a half hour which means I would have been late for my appointment anyway. Also they failed to tell me a cab was coming to pick me up.
Not My Problem? No, Not Our Problem.
I imagine this is a scenario that would push many people to enraged indignation, and I was upset. I also felt bad about being curt with the people I spoke with. But I also recognize that just because I was upset and acting like an ass, doesn’t mean I was harboring resentment for the people I was relying on to help me sort out my issue. I was angry, but knew it was a maddening situation that would pass. And as much as I felt they were inept in trying to help me, I knew they weren’t trying to make things difficult for me on purpose, and their being uncomfortable because they felt personally accountable for my situation is not my responsibility. Simply put, I’m not responsible for somebody else’s emotions. Or as my old therapist would’ve said, “not my circus, not my monkeys.” The good news is that this also means others are not responsible for mine.
The Darkside: Validating Emotional Dissociation Instead Of Owning Our Emotions
From my experience these types of issues usually lead to people taking the interaction personally, then harboring resentment toward the person/people who they felt made them angry. This usually leads to gossip, retaliation, ganging up on others by asking friends to validate their emotions and declare loyalty by shunning those who violate their trust, to name a few. We see this playout all the time. In popular culture, with TV shows like Plathville, and in the news with celebrities and politicians. Also in our friend circles, with our coworkers and the different departments at our jobs, strangers, family… The list is long. But what is so insidious about these situations is, that when you’re angry because of a petty interaction involving any of the above parties, you don’t see that the other person isn’t making you angry. You’re angry at them for what they did, and you are responsible for your emotions, and what you choose to do once you experience them.
The Whitewashed Side Of The Darkside
There’s also another side to validation that is just as harmful. Just because you go to PTA meetings and hold down a “respectable” job, doesn’t make you altruistic. Think about the phrase, “I’m color blind”, in reference to racism. The person who says this most likely feels righteous by virtue of them using their power and privilege to support those marginalized. They pat themselves on the back by creating comities, and holding feelgood events where they congratulate each other for how progressive they are for “celebrating” diversity. They think they’re being charitable by using their privilege to help those less fortunate than them succeed, with the ultimate goal of those less fortunate becoming more like them, the model citizen.
But what they’re omitting, and what creates the divide between the privileged and the marginalized is, the experience of the marginalized, who the privileged think they’re helping, because the privileged are not able to see past the lens of their privilege. But this is seen as being patronizing and arrogant by those marginalized. And rightly so. But both sides are too scared to put themselves in each other’s shoes to understand how the other feels.
Think of the Children!
There’s a sign that I pass on my way to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity that is probably in most suburban neighborhoods. It reads, “Please drive slowly, we love our children.” This sign makes my blood boil. The implication is that the person who is speeding should be a responsible adult, and need to be coached on how to do the right thing because the poor soul was never taught how.
But what the sign poster’s are not accounting for is that their sign is probably a reminder to the driver that they are not welcome because they are speeding. And will probably callously murder the neighborhood children. This is a message that was probably reinforced time and again when they were being disciplined and humiliated by privileged authority figures, making them believe that they, and most likely their families and friend groups, are seen as degenerates by society at large. This is why pity can be so dangerous in the hands of those with privilege who hold authority. They’re reminding those who are marginalized of the message they received that they don’t belong because they’re bad, no matter how well intentioned the sign poster’s are. What I believe the sign should say is, “Drive slow you asshole”. Just kidding. It should say, “Drive Slowly. We Care About You As Much As We Care About Our Children.”
Teach The Children, But Lead By Example
Another phrase I take issue with is “change your legacy through your children”. We can’t teach what we don’t know, and until we take ownership of our situation, and take the responsibility we’re avoiding by foisting accountability onto the next generation, we won’t change our legacy. It’s like saying, “do as I say, not as I do”. What we’re saying is, “I know that what I’m telling you is right, but my circumstances are different, and you just need to do as I say. What’s done is done and you need to move forward”. There are some circumstances where this saying is valid, but when it comes to teaching morals, it’s another way to make someone feel like making the future better is their responsibility alone, without any support. Leading by example helps people see that they are connected to a shared set of values, THROUGH their shared actions. So my suggestion is to make a new saying, “Change your legacy through leading by example”.
The “Good Fight” Club
I recently rewatched “Fight Club” and enjoyed it as I always do, but this time for different reasons. In my 20’s I wanted to look like Brad Pitt’s, Tyler Durden. This quote sums up what I admired about him, “all the ways you wish you could be, that’s me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” And I felt like, how Pitt’s Tyler described the narrator Ed Norton when he said, “I didn’t create some loser alter ego to feel better.” I used to have something to prove. And that something was that I was not like Edward Norton’s Tyler. I wanted other people to see me as I saw Pitt’s Tyler.
But this time around I realized that Ed’s Tyler was the stronger of the two. He was a little softer, but most importantly expressed humility and accountability for his actions and feelings. But most importantly he didn’t let his fear get in the way of doing what was right and he had, “the ability to let that which did not matter truly slide” -The Narrator, “Fight Club”. Pitt’s Tyler was competent with undeniable sex appeal and executive function. But he was cold and one dimensional in that he went after his goals with intense focus. But he didn’t care who he hurt along the way which is selfish. Because you’re hurting others to feel revered. But being revered does not equal belonging. I’m not saying that the path to belonging looks like the plot of a Hallmark movie (remember the “Drive Slowly” sign), but there is a middle ground. And I think the privileged and marginalized alike can learn from Ed’s Tyler and what I’m learning, which is: being accountable for your emotions and using your actions in sync with your morals to lead by example, less the domestic terrorism.
Come to J.C.
But until you recognize this, you can’t see it. This is what Rumi means when he said, “Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. The entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you.” Or self-help movements like “taking back your power” and when Lynn G. Robins said, “be 100 percent responsible”. One of my favorites is, “you can’t see the forest for the trees.”
However you discover it, it’s all the same message. It’s the plot of many movies, and books, the messages of songs and poems. When somebody, or a team overcomes insurmountable odds to be the heroes they already knew they were. When good triumphs over evil. These are dramatic examples but they have mass appeal. And people are drawn to drama. It’s that “come to J.C.” moment when you realize all along that you are enough. And that’s worth repeating. You are enough. Peace & thanks for reading🏔️🌙
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