This is something I realized not long ago. I knew that ads are designed to make you feel that you need whatever popular trend is en vogue, but what I hadn’t thought about until after I was out of consumer debt was that if you can’t afford the latest trends, they are all that much more desirable. Let’s take a look at why and maybe glean an understanding about why we spend so much money and time to feel fulfilled.
What is “It”?
I was in a lot of debt in my 20’s and 30’s. $136,000 to be precise. I had no idea how to budget or that I was in that much debt, and I was paying three or four credit cards’ minimum payments a month. I was juggling card balances that equaled close to $12k because I was spending money I didn’t have to buy things we didn’t need. For example, my ex-wife and I were going out to dinner once, sometimes twice a week. If you order two to four drinks with dinner, one night out can easily cost more than $95 with tip. No bueno.
But it feels good to go out. Feeling like you’re part of the action. Everybody all dressed up, sexy stares with implied meanings. Everyone feeling like they’re seen at their best and most confident. A little tipsy and in the hottest, most desirable locations. The “It” place. That’s how I felt, or wanted to feel anyway.
But what is “it”, and what does being a part of that crowd mean? I think it has to do with feeling insecure in that, somebody else knows what we need to do to be loved better than we know ourselves, and them telling us what to do to be that. But why? Power and control are my guesses. But what are they getting out of the deal? Telling us what to do, wear, where to eat…? Why do we have 17 different latte options when everyone’s getting a vente strawberry açaí lemonade, light ice no berry inclusions? Why do we follow and emulate celebrities, buy the clothes they wear and try to live their lifestyles, neglecting our own? I think I have an idea and it starts with money (as most things do), and not knowing how to feel like you’ve arrived at adulthood and are loved. Let’s explore.
“I’m Going to the Bathroom, You’re in Charge”
“I’ll be back (points to a random person), you’re in charge”. I say this when I leave the room from time to time. Mostly because I think it’s funny, but it’s also social commentary. From my experience people feel as though they’re not qualified to be in charge, and they need someone else to make decisions for them to avoid accountability. There’s truth to the quip, “in my defense I was left unsupervised”.
Power, Control, Credit Cards & Marriage
There are those that take on responsibility well. They are fair and good stewards of the power they hold. But some think it’s about authoritarian power. I think this is because they believe if they’re in charge they’ll also control others opinions of them, and the power that comes with it. This is something that’s particularly prevalent in some romantic relationships I’ve seen (and have been in). Often times it’s the men who feel they need someone to run their lives, not knowing how to care for themselves. And the women want someone they can control through manipulation, to abate their (the women’s) fears of failing to make the perfect life/marriage they’ve envisioned. That was what mine and my ex’s marriage looked like for sure. But thankfully this isn’t the norm in most relationships, romantic or not.
I’ve worked with a lot of good managers who are fair, and care about their supervisees. But for the managers who feel that it’s about power-over, they can do a lot of damage. By withholding approval or consistent criticism, these transgressions will wear down their employees’ sense of self-worth and breed resentment.
Power dynamics are interesting and all, but I’m sure you’re wondering what this has to do with spending money and being broke. Well, let’s take a look at our role models, or who we look to for guidance, our “managers” so to speak, how we relate to money, and how it can be used as power over another. See where I’m going with this? (;
Who are Your Role Models? I’ll Start
The adults in charge of a young Adam were image obsessed and insecure. They also drank a lot to mask their insecurities. So I learned to be image obsessed and drink. I wanted to be loved by my family, but they were too scared to let their guards, and drinks down, to be candid with their approval or emotions. It was safer for them to be on the defense, so I searched for ways to impress them, and to breach their love and approval.
Jim Morrison checked all of the above boxes of what my family respected. Confident, condescending, looked sexy, drank a lot. I knew they liked him better than me because I was yelled at for making fun of The Doors on the way to the mall one day to buy clothing. So I studied and modeled my teenage-self after him. I actually bought a Doors, LA Woman T-shirt that day because of it. Shout out to Hot Topic at the North Shore Mall. None of my adult caregivers were self-actualized and couldn’t give me the stable and kind guidance I needed. I latched onto whatever clues I could to help me decipher why they didn’t love me and what they did love, to feel loved. Since Jim was liked better than I was, I chose him, hoping he was the key to their acceptance and love.
Acting like an ass? Well I was already well down that path. Funny story, my friend had a “white hat”, popular ballcaps sporting college names in the 90’s. He got a “UMASS” hat and pulled out the embroidered “M” to make it say “U ASS”. But in our defense we were left unsupervised (; I was also a teenager, so some of that was to be expected. But I copied just about everything Jim did short of buying leather pants. I remember begging whomever was getting me booze in my teens to buy me Dos Equis because there was a line in Oliver Stone’s 1991 film, “The Doors” where Val Kilmer says “give me another Dos Equis, will you Deloris?”. Incidentally he also promptly urinated on the bar right after ordering his drink. He was my role model, he drank Dos Equis, my family drank like Jim, I was on my way to drinking like them, so I wanted to drink what he was drinking. However I did not pee on any bars thankfully.
Actors Playing the Part
The logical solution in my mind was to drink what Jim drank, then I was sure that I’d feel loved. But what I hadn’t recognized was that just because you’re grown, doesn’t mean you know what it means to be self-actualized. I believe many of us pretend to know what we’re doing. I think we want to feel secure by looking like we know what we’re doing in the eyes of others. But left to our own devises, aka unsupervised, I think we’d be comfortable with ourselves. But we pretend. In our jobs, finances, friendships, families… It’s a long list.
But I also think people confuse confidence with maturity. I did. We see people like the actors or influencers we follow and we want to be like them. Or rather the qualities and attributes we’re project onto them. I.e. being in charge, the leading role in their own lives and looking good doing it. So we emulate their style by buying their clothing and want to look like them, to feel how we imagine they feel. In charge of their own lives, adults.
We also believe that looking good will gain us love and acceptance. Because people do pay us more attention if we meet traditional beauty standards, which are set by our role models. But they’re usually pop culture icons trying to sell us something. But they have sex appeal? We buy the products they own so we can feel like members of the “it” place I was talking about above. We stay loyal to brands as substitute for family, to feel accepted and connected. “Those that buy our brands are cool with, and one of us” becomes our mentality. All in the name of feeling a part of the “it” crowd, aka acceptance.
Buying Your Way into… Going into Debt to Fit in
I checked some of the major sources for beauty tips and discovered some numbers that are bat guano crazy to me. Glamour Magazine says that they have 21 bath products and 22 beauty products in their bathrooms. They don’t go into much detail about which products they’re using, nor is there much substance to the articles in general. They just lament that it is a necessary evil and ask the reader to commiserate with them about it. But if the products cost as much as the men’s do, then they’re spending a hell of a lot of money on their beauty routines. But again, why?
This article from GQ gives a run down of what men “should” have in their “arsenal” which is surprisingly minimal. But I think this may be a ploy to foster gender roles in beauty products, while still charging a lot of money for them. For example, how it’s unmanly to have the frills that most women do, and reenforce this implied message by referring to our products as an “arsenal”. All ten of the items in the article I believe any of us own. I use regular soap to wash my face, but other than that the list is reasonable. Sort of.
If you were to purchase the items on this list, assuming you have a toothbrush, shaver and pair of tweezers, the bill would cost you around $300. I’m not sure how quickly we’re expected to go through these products, or how often their choices of trending (the median price for their suggest picks is $200) products like electric toothbrushes need replacing, but again, why so expensive? And I can’t imagine that the women’s list would be any cheaper. Not counting the products that aren’t on the list for both men and women because a friend or trusted source says we need to have it.
What’s Trending
How long do trends last? Some sites say 20 years while others say three to seven. From my observations the latter seems more accurate. And depending on what we’re talking about the costs add up. Personal hygiene, clothing, gadgets, home goods and other staples like travel mugs, that’s a long list. And we’re expected to cycle through these trends every few years. Let’s take a look at and tally a few of these categories.
The Accessory & Clothing Aisle
If you’re like me then you’ll have noticed an uptick in Stanly Cups, Carhartts (this one really pisses me off), Lululemon, Essentials and Scünci rectangular hair clips (the hair clips don’t cost much but it’s funny to me that almost every woman I see has the same hair clip!) I live in a suburb of Boston. Not the fashion Mecca that NYC is, but still pretty trendy. And it seems that overnight these trends were making their way down streets and onto train cars, into offices, coffee shops and resting in car cupholders during folks’ commutes, and the source of many validating conversations.
If we cycle through these items once every three years we’re spending an awful lot of money. The cups alone cost about $45, and the average pair of Lululemon leggings cost about $118 a pair. Essential sweatshirts run about $145, and $75 for Carhartt pants. And the hair clips are $8 (; Add the $300 worth of hygiene products above to the roughly three to five years of buying one of each product a year, you’re probably spending a minimum of $700 on trendy products annually. And that’s not including items like shoes or handbags, multiples of items, or other staples like socks and underwear, or going out to dinner once or twice a week, and your morning strawberry açai refresher, light ice no berry inclusions… And not to belabor the point, but if you go on social media people are showing off collections of their trendy items. For example one woman was in the double digits, 23, for owning Stanley Cups. That’s $1,045. For cups. My guess is that you don’t spend that kind of money to not feel validated for being a member of the “it” club.
Do You Take Returns without Receipts?
Next post I’ll be talking about tips that helped me get my spending under control, and how I’m making the credit card companies work for me. If you’re swimming in debt don’t worry, there is a way out. I’ve been there. Dave Ramsey, a popular podcast personality and money guru says, “being in debt is normal. Don’t be normal.” There’s a link to his podcast on my “Sites & Finds” page, along with some stuff to do that’s free to help give you the willpower to not go out and buy another Stanley Cup to put your morning strawberry açai refresher (light ice, no berry inclusions) in. (; Until next time, Peace & Thanks for Reading :)🏔️🌙
Image Credits: “Travel Mug” Littlelixie, CC BY-NC 2.0
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