I think about pop-culture often. It was the impetus for this blog’s predecessor, No Labels Living, and it comes to mind when I think about things like how a person dresses or when they talk about the places they go and what they do for funsies. My instinct is that people consume pop culture and go to events to feel part of the action and not necessarily because they like it. They do, however, like feeling belonging and the protection that connection entails. But if they don’t like the events, then they’re sacrificing their true selves at the altar of being seen by their friends as “fun to be around”.

For example, your deepest desire may be to throw on your footie PJs and devour a bowl of Fruity Pebbles while drinking diet Coke for brekki. But your friends may want to get dressed up, go to the hottest cafe and talk about how much fun the club was last weekend. I believe the majority of people can’t all possibly LOVE the same things. I go over this in my article about what the ideal consumer looks like. So my question is, why do people feel like they have to do what they do to feel liked?

There’s a lot of layers to this question. But I think what’s important is to understand, to the best of our abilities, what we like and are like. Without the influence of what popular culture or our friends are selling us what we should like and be like. Because I see a distinction between the people who are hustling for approval by buying or doing something to fit in and those who feel comfortable as they are; a lack of fear and the better quality of life that comes with accepting yourself and surrounding yourself with people who are also accepting of themselves. Let’s jump into this fear and see where it takes us.

Fear of a Pop Planet

I was listening to a podcast on pop-culture because I feel like I’m too critical of all things “pop” and want to broaden my perspective. I was taught to critically think from an early age and subsequently have been hyper-critical of almost every group or organization because of their groupthink mentality. They didn’t like me either, which tracks, because I verbalized my criticism of them very loudly and usually while drinking. But even on the rare occation I tried to stuff my feelings to feel apart of the group it just didn’t sit right. This is why I want to give liking popular things a shot because there are some gems to be discovered. But there in lies the conundrum. Let me explain.

I’d say I connect with maybe 3% of what I’m told to wear, see, hear, or go to that is considered “popular” and I imagine most people feel the same. So if I’m right, why do people feel they need to like what’s popular if they don’t? Instead they could find what they truly like and a community of like minded folks to spend their time doing what they love together. I can’t think of a reason why not other than fear. But fear of what? I think once we confront this fear we can then find those who like us as we are. And maybe we can transform ourselves from not knowing what we want and who we are, someone who keeps others on the outs to feel in the in-crowd for example, the gatekeepers of “cool” and arbiter of “approval”, and move through the gates of our fear to discover who we really are. Let’s look at what’s popular starting with fashion.

Playing Dress-Up

There are a host of TV shows, magazines, and influencers telling us “what’s hot”. The latest “must have trends” that are “on everybody’s 2026 shopping lists”. But what makes trends desirable? Is it because they’re harder to obtain? Is it because we want to look as good as the models wearing them? Is it the privilege and social capital that comes with the popularity that owning trends promises? And if we finally obtain that trend, say a pair of jeans, what then? Are all of our problems solved because we look good?

But if we’re buying them because other people like how the celeb looks in them, and we want to be liked the way others like the celebrity, then once the jeans aren’t as popular you’re not as likable is my guess. That is until you get the next must have pair of pants. Unless they’re David Lee Roth’s assless chaps from the, “Yankee Rose” Video. Then at least I’ll always like you 😂

Where You Go & Who You’re Seen With

I don’t understand why people go to “popular” places because they’re popular. Like the hot new bar or the concert with the most popular pop-star. But like I said I want to give pop-culture a go because I know I’m missing out on some events I’m sure would be fun.

What’s stopped me in the past is that pop culture trends seem disingenuous and inauthentic. For example, I just can’t see the point in going to a cowboy themed bar downtown because country music is suddenly ubiquitous in the Boston area. I don’t like country music. And I think it’d sound weird with a Boston accent. But maybe not… 🤔

I also don’t want to get a blurry photo of a drunken me with friends wearing cowboy hats. It’s just not who I am. I’m also introverted and really don’t like large noisy crowds. But I feel bad dismissing an entire genera of music, people and places associated with them. IDK, maybe I just need to find a trend I vibe with. At least I’m not like a woman I met who when I asked her what type of music she listened to responded with, “I don’t like music”. Full stop. That blew my mind. I guess I feel worse for her now : (

Authenticity in Style & Fashion

I wrote about this in a previous article on fashion and authenticity. I think what we’re looking for when we buy the jeans is yes to look like whomever made them popular. General consensus tells us they’re attractive, and it feels good looking good. But I think it’s also the ease and popularity they posses because of their winning personalities we’re after. Something they’ve spent a lot of effort cultivating . But we think looking good in the jeans will give us the attributes that the celebrity worked so hard to obtain. So if we buy the jeans, then we’ll be pretty, awesome and popular. Problem solved.

You may gain influence over others’ opinions of you by looking good in a trend but that’s not mutually exclusive to feeling at ease with yourself. If anything, trying to control how other people feel about you leads to feeling exhausted and frustrated. And it’s hard to keep up the façade of who you think you should be to gain influence over others. But I think we do it because we weren’t shown what confidence in ourselves looks like.

Teach the Children Well

Teaching confidence to children is usually the responsibility of the parents. But I think many, including mine, aren’t sure who they are that I can tell. Example: when I walk into any Whole Foods, a store founded on healthy organic products that foster well being for the planet, minds, body, and spirit the first thing I see are a few dozen women’s beautiful figures, in black leggings, all looking as though they just walked off the set of a photo shoot. They also look cold, distant, and usually have an air of superiority with a look of disgust on their faces. And an adorable child in tow.

I’m not saying everyone who wears leggings do so to feel desirable to others. Or that they’re in competition for that regard as though it were finite. But the majority of the legging wearing women I see have that demeanor. And Whole Foods itself requires that you be of higher socio-economic status to shop at making it a status symbol more than a health food store. Shopping at Whole Foods is the equivalent of buying the celeb’s jeans but thinking that by shopping there you’ll buy peace of mind.

But that look of disgust. I think those women want to be seen as beautiful not superior. And that they’re intention for shopping there is because it’s good for them and the environment. Not because it’s a status symbol. I also believe they hate what they think they need to do to garner approval from the people who are gatekeepers of their acceptance to achieve belonging. I.e., their peers who also weren’t shown that their value is intrinsic and not something that needs to be purchased from Whole Foods. So these women keep upping the ante to look better, earn more… Be Perfect.

But you can’t be. And trying to be is a form of abuse. Because you have to keep people at a distance if you’re pretending to be perfect. So they protect themselves by making places like Whole Foods inaccessible to the majority to shelter themselves from being discovered as imperfect and insecure in how they feel about themselves. Another way to keep people at bay is to pretend you’re superior. That people aren’t worthy of your attention because they aren’t as _____ as you. Now think about how the child in tow feels watching their parent. Taking ques from them on how to be an adult. Cold, distant, but most importantly pretty.

The following is an excerpt from a talk by Tara Brach. A Buddhist Psychologist located in the D.C. area, and sums up what I perceive as being the pressure these women are under: “I looked for what we could possibly eat for dinner. Thank goodness there was a frozen pizza in the freezer. ‘Okay guys, we are going to have a frozen pizza for dinner!’ I tried to keep the guilt out of my voice that it wasn’t going to be hand-made, home-made-organic-with-love-meal. My son instantly resisted, ‘But I don’t want frozen pizza!’ I remained calm and said, ‘But that is what we are having tonight.’ And he remained resistant, getting more and more upset, on the verge of a tantrum, ‘I don’t want frozen pizza! I don’t want frozen pizza!’ I tried to remain calm and repeated, ‘This is dinner tonight. It is what we have in the house. It will be okay. Have you ever had frozen pizza?’ Meanwhile, I was going crazy in my mind: I am such a bad mom, of course my kids don’t like frozen pizza, I don’t like it either, I am doing the best I can and I am falling short today, but it is the best I can and I have created a monster of a child who only eat healthy, organic, home-made food! He is spoiled and doesn’t understand how much work it is! I have completely lost my sense of myself to these kids, they are taking over, I am raising entitled brats! I am a bad mom! Maybe I could make it to the store… No, that is just giving in. ‘That is what we are going to have for dinner tonight, sweetie. And I am tired and that is what we will have, it will be okay,’ I say relatively calmly. I take a deep breath and look at my son’s tear-streaked face. He looks at me and says, actually quite calmly for a three-year old, ‘Okay mama. But could we at least heat it up?’”

Follow the Fear

I think me wanting to get involved with popular things has to do with a longing for comradery with a community. Feeling isolated is none of the buenos. But if my friendships are based on liking what’s popular and I’m miserable doing most trendy things, then I can’t talk to my friends about how I’m feeling because our friendship is contingent on conforming to what the group likes. This is a variation on what Tara Brach calls FOMO. It stands for, Fear Of Missing Out. Let’s follow fomo and see if it leads to an exit.

FOMO

The Belief: When you miss an event your friends go to you feel lonely. Like that’s one memory you can’t look back on with your friend group and say with nostalgia, “remember the night that lil’ Jimbo got drunk and threw-up in Matt’s cowboy hat?” You’re missing out on the comradery. That connection with a special moment you shared with those you love.

The Reality: If you’re pretending to like something in order to feel you’re not missing one of those special moments with friends who like you because you like what they like, then are you really happy? And do they make fun of the things you secretly do like, i.e., wearing footie pjs, diet Coke, and fruity pebbles because they’re insecure about what the group likes? Because if they aren’t accepting of what other people like, then there is an element of fear which bonds their relationships. And that form of exclusivity, making fun of what others like to feel bonded, is friendship based in division not unity.

Has pretending to like something happened once? Twice? Has it happened so many times you’re not sure what you like because you’re too afraid of the rejection from those who like the “you” who does what they want you to and eat Corn Pops? Are they just as afraid as you and like Fruity Pebbles too but no one will talk about it because they’re afraid to go against the group’s list of approved cereals?

Coming Home

There have been numerous ways of describing what I’m trying to convey. I think there are as many ways as there are people who have and who’ve yet to understand it. But the point is to find a way back to what you’re like. Then you can develop friendships based on being appreciated for what makes you you. And you won’t be afraid of missing out on moments with friends because you’ll be happy on your own and will have surrounded yourself with supportive friends who will be equally as satisfied on their own. Because you value the friendship more than being able to tell people you went to the event. So how do we get there if we’ve already lost tabs on where our true selves have gone? Let’s start with where we lost ourselves in the first place. In the aisles of Pottery Barn.

Where’s Your Favorite Place to Shop?

No matter how far you’ve gone from yourself there are breadcrumbs and baby steps that you can look for and take that will lead you back home. For example, take a look at the last stylish item you purchased. What is it? Is it something you use often like a travel mug? Do you really like coffee? A coffee connoisseur? Who or what do you associate this item with? A friend you go on weekend adventures with? How do you feel when you’re with that person or doing that activity? Do you feel nostalgic for rides along the sea coast? Maybe the sense of freedom on the road with a cozy beverage? But could you embody that feeling with a cheaper mug so you could spend that money on gas or better coffee? I know these are a lot of questions but there’s a kernel of truth in each one that will lead you back to what you truly like and are like. Let’s look at an example from my journey to illustrate what I’m talking about.

The Kernel: For example, when I was in my early 20’s I bought a desk from The Pottery Barn. I loved the style of the desk. It was farmhouse and it kinda looked like a barndoor which makes me feel at ease because I love the country. It was well built and brought me a sense of peace when I looked at it. I liked the minimalist feel, rustic charm and clean lines.

The Rub: I couldn’t afford it. I was just scraping by as it was. But I decided to throw a $300 distressed desk on my pile of bills and started accruing debt to feel like an adult. And proof of me being a grownup, in my mind, was being a good consumer and owning furniture from The Pottery Barn.

But what it was missing was being worn from use. The type of feeling people are trying to buy when they purchase distressed items. Like the celebrity’s jeans and their personalities, we want people to think we’ve earned the memories that come from years of use. We think we can buy experiences by purchasing something that looks like it’s been lovingly used. But there’s no buying the satisfaction or the feeling of connection you get when you use something everyday. You can only buy those feelings with time, love and use.

Looking back, I could have found a barn door on the cheap and made my own desk. I would have saved hundreds of dollars and felt accomplished every time I looked at or used it leading to a deeper sense of satisfaction and sentimentality. That’s why trends are so dangerous. You’re really buying into the fear and uncertainty of being interesting enough to belong and not the love and connection that is being advertised and sold to you.

If you want to practice coming home to yourself I suggest you take a look at your most recent purchase. The one I asked you about above. Ask yourself the questions I asked or that come naturally to mind. The more questions you ask yourself the closer you’ll get to knowing who you are.

Follow your intuition through your fear and into your comfort. That’s where you’ll find home.

That and a pair of assless chaps (;

Peace & Thanks for Reading ⛰️🌙